Ah, to blog. To actually sit and type. It feels good. I often blog in my head with no time to write it out. It’s therapy for me. It helps me process. It helps me remember.
Over the last few weeks I’ve rushed into a new season. It’s not just life with two babies, but life with two babies while working. And to add to it husband has been working overtime on a regular basis. It is starting to catch up with me. The to do list is on hold. Dishes sit overnight. Laundry piles up. The garage door is broken, the lamp post is horizontal, and the kitchen light needs rewired. I sleep less. I sleep hard.
Most mornings as I hit the first traffic light, I notice a heavy exhale…. “here comes another day”.
I find that when I am empty I pray more. Not long, thought-out prayers, but simple and real conversations. I question. I see my weakness. I don’t have the answers and I don’t have the strength. I have to rely as I am too spent to manufacture a solution.
So, I have been hearing God speak to me often in these last few weeks. It makes conquering the days possible.
My first day back to work in our staff meeting I was being challenged to share what God is speaking to me. (I work at a church, so this is normal in a staff meeting.) Without missing a beat I wrote down about 5 things I heard. Wow. That was fast and easy. I think He was trying to show me how little I have to do to hear. Just be really open to His spirit. He is waiting to speak.
I felt challenged to live daily. (This is so opposite of the way I work. I am a project manager. A planner. I love lists.) To live day to day, one day at a time is just backward. In fact, it feels “wrong”. Where I often wish I was a flexible and spontaneous as some mom friends, I value routine and efficiency. In that moment (those 5 minutes in staff meeting), I was reminded of this verse…
It’s 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, a verse that I have know for 20+ years. It ends with… “for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Sidenote: If you ever wonder God’s will in your life this is a great place to start.
For the first time this verse felt very “in the moment”. Rejoice ALWAYS. Pray at ALL times. In EVERYTHING give thanks. Now. Today. This second. In the midst of my craziness. I can have joy, talk to God, and be thankful in all this.
I mean seriously? If I stop for one second and think about my kids I realize how much I have to be thankful for. Two of them, even. It resets me. I feel powerful to face the day. Happiness is fleeting but a true joy is deep down. I have the gift of salvation. I have solid family. I have health. I have wealth (in comparison to most of the world). I have. I have. I have. The more I give thanks the more I repent of my attitude. I praise God and I receive his goodness. It’s fuel for my weariness.
A few weeks later I was feeling it in the morning. Feeling tired: physically spent, mentally pulled. Breathing hard again I drove to work. I said out loud in exhaustion “its a new day”. The verse about God’s mercies being new every morning popped in my head. So, at the stoplight I googled it to read the whole verse.
As I read that I felt loved and understood. God gets me. The word CONSUMED in the verse was exactly what I was feeling. Even when I could not express how I felt, God showed me that he knew… like everything and everyone was consuming me. I felt his love, his unfailing compassion and faithfulness all in this act. It felt like he wrote that verse for me alone. Like a love letter from someone who knows your soul and speaks your language.
While the specifics of my day (and the days that have followed) have not dissipated I can say that I have felt stronger. Daily. I am known. I am loved. And though I often feel consumed by the fullness of my days, I will choose to rejoice, be thankful and stay in conversation with my God.