I have to say, that most of my daily day I do not feel pregnant. The baby bump has shown up along with a few maternity shirts and pairs of jeans, but I have also lost 12 lbs. in the last 4 months. And even though mornings are touch and go, after 15 minutes of horrible, I can go on with my days. My busy days. Days of work, side work, mothering, wife-ing, laundering, picking up, and reminding myself to eat. Full days! Most where I feel like I do not accomplish all that I need to.
Sometimes when I lie on the couch at night, exhausted, I remind myself there is an honorable reason why I feel like this. I am a mom of a toddler, while simultaneously growing another inside. Oh yeah, it makes sense. I know in my brain I am pregnant, and I see that my body is pregnant, but still sometimes I just don’t grasp the reality of a baby on it’s way in 20ish weeks. Sometimes, I close my eyes and press on my stomach to try to make the baby move. Though I have felt a few butterflies, nothing outright obvious. As I rest, I start to feel guilty that I am not a good enough mom or wife or mother to be. Then I think if I am overwhelmed now, what is going to happen when I add another baby in the mix? How will I do it all or even just enough?
I try to think back of when I was pregnant with Isaac. I was sick, like now. I was tired, like now. Yet I was nervously studying about birth and reading about sleep strategies. I was listing necessities and picking out fabrics (boy and girl). I was tired and sick, but still organized and preparing. Is it horrible that I have done none of that with baby number 2?
As I sit in my weakness, I am reminded that God is strong. This is a theme that has been poking out at me over the last week. 2 Cor. 12:9 says that …”My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Though I have heard that verse many-many times, I cannot say that I am feeling that today, right now. I want to, though. I want to see His power come in my life and allow me to be a woman that reflects the character of God within my family and beyond. Another point that has stuck out in prayer over the last few weeks is that “Worship is an act of weakness/humility.” So maybe that is a good place to start. I’m also reminded that the enemy will use truth to tell me a lie. So, even though yes I am tired and yes I didn’t make a family dinner tonight, that doesn’t mean I have failed or disappointed my family. The song we sang today in church brought me to tears…“ When I lose my way, And I forget my name, Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, Is who I don’t wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, When I can’t remember what grace is. Tell me once again who I am to You, Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You, That I belong to You. To You.” I want to be reminded about who God thinks I am on a regular basis. It is much better than what the enemy wants to whisper. Hmm, worship would help remind me of that. More worship. (Lord, I hear you loud and clear)
I have to say that even though I am struggling with these thoughts, I AM excited about having another child. I was super blessed to have Isaac and feel even more blessed to receive this gift again. I have to say that it is the hardest and best thing that has happened in my life. It has also taught me so much about God’s love and how He sees me. It’s a really cool thing.
I know it will be good for Isaac, but I am also nervous about his transition when the baby comes. He loves his mommy, and I hope he doesn’t resent the baby because I will have to sometimes tend to baby needs before his. I tell myself all moms with more than one child have gone through this and it works out. I am sure it will. Even if it is hard, it will be a life lesson for him to see he is not the star. I am sure I will learn and grow through it too.
It is so strange to say, but food has been hard this time around. The first few months I was nauseous and I wanted nothing to eat. Even though, eating would make me feel better. I have never really craved anything being pregnant, but for a few weeks I really wanted a beer, and I don’t even like beer. I am better with eating now, but I am still not consistent and have to wait late in the day sometimes to eat or brush my teeth. It is probably the most annoying part. It could be a lot worse, I have friends that have been way sicker than that.
We soon find out the sex of the baby. I think that will make it more real for me. I have been having “girl feelings”. I don’t really know if I can trust those. With Isaac I went back and forth, but towards the end felt “boy feelings”. I will be glad to know and for Doug to know. I think he is really nervous about having a girl and the time to get used to the idea would be good for him. If it’s a boy, I’m the one that needs to know and re-adjust. Logistically a boy would be easier. But, a girl would be new and fun. Either way, it is already decided and I will be ecstatic for any healthy baby to love.
Since I had Isaac, I have had a passion to pray for the women I know that have had trouble getting pregnant. When friends have lost babies it just makes me weep. I cannot imagine. That has to be the most horrible thing in life. So I pray, because I believe passionate prayers are powerful. Many places in the scripture it says the people were moved with compassion, then something big happened. So, you gals know who you are. I am still praying for a redemption story.
…just some things on my mind.